Starting

I'm gonna start telling you the things that are destroying my mind to see if there's any progress or if starts getting worse than before.

I don't feel than he really knows what loving someone is, sometimes I just think that he's with me to not start over again. He doesn't worries about satisfaying me, he doesn't worry about my sexual needs, he doesn't touch me, he doesn't feel me, he's just there, sometimes kissing me, or telling me that he loves me.

I just wish he sees me with that look, wanting me, having me as a desire, and just thinking that I have to ask for it and It's not something that he does naturally really kills me, it's really hurting my feelings.

I wake up every morning wanting to cry because I'm so sexually frustrated, I want to much to satisfy him at that point that he really wants to fuck me and nothing happens, just me, masturbating over my frustation, not even enjoying it because it makes me feel worse about everything because it should be him.

This is just destroying my self-steem even more, because I feel like if I was another person, with another body he will do it.

He's not interesed in solving any problem, he justs acts like every time I want to talk about anything on the relationship he's getting more tired of having this ''convo'', relationships aren't suppose to be about growing???!! That's my real question.

We should have a conversation every time that we feel that something is wrong, because if we don't talk about it how we're suppose to last?

Every time we have, or, I try to have this conversation I feel more exhausted, more like I really want to go but something (((stupidity, submission, etc))) stops me from doing it.

I feel like I'm putting all of myself on this relationship to last, to grow and it's not making me feel good lately, It's just destroying me with this lack of interest of solving things. Even that my depression is fucking me up every day I always try my best to not fuck things up and It is just making my depression more creative, my suicidal thoughs more accurate. They just start having more sense, having reasons and it just makes me want to end everything every single day.

Yeah, because my mind is so exhausted, so tired that I'm suicidal every single day, every single hour and nothing of this bullshit is helping me, just making me have more reasons to just stop, because every thing can stop but my mind isn't gonna stop.

This feeling, this feeling of leaving, this feeling of 'starting again' It's growing and growing but the funny thing is that it only exist in movies, you can't just leave, you can't just start again, and neither if you don't have the money to do it.

Sometimes I see him wanting to leave the house, wanting to leave me and it seems to easy for him, just walking through the door and saying goodbye and it just breaks me even more, not to say that breaks my heart because it's already broken lol, because to me isn't just that, is leaving something I put effort in, something I live everyday, someone I spend every single hour with, someone that it's with me when I feel sad, someone I can kiss every time that I feel cheesy. It's not just leaving, it's something harder, something I dont want and it seems to easy to him that.... fuck... I hate myself

At the same time I'm just thinking that I feel more needed in my mom's house, she really showes me that she miss me, that the dogs miss me, and it's sad because I left my house because I felt not needed.

I just feel frustrated, frustrated because I wish things could solve when you talk about them, but I have talked about them and it still happens.

Being a romantic person is what is destroying me the most, I want to feel loved, to feel like he enjoyes fucking me, that he enjoys what I feel, what I am. I want to feel like he's in love with me, that he wants to listen to me because he's worried, because he really wants this to work, that he doesn't want to see me crying, that he wants me to feel good.

I don't want to feel like I'm just annoying him because that's what I feel every morning, every time that he gets angry and doesn't even try to calm down and apologize.

I just wish this wasn't happening and we were like those couples who really love themselves and it shows on how much they want eachother, how much they want to grow, to be better.